Today marks a week since I arrived home from San Francisco. I took a vacation a few days after school ended and went to the west coast alone for two weeks. I wasn't alone my entire trip, but I was alone enough of it to be really uncomfortable, and really scared.
I hadn't traveled on an airplane alone since I was maybe... 7? So that is about 16 years since I had been on an airplane.
A lot has changed in the airport since I was a kid.
I did a lot of uncomfortable things in San Francisco, and it wasn't because I was looking for situations that provided that type of energy. I've never traveled alone. I was in a big huge city, with more people than I would have imagined, I felt claustrophobic from all the tall (yet beautiful) buildings. I cried a lot, wanted to go home a lot (came very close to changing my flight, didn't care about the cost), and felt more alone than I had ever felt in my life.
But all that was needed. I grew so much from that trip, and I'm still really confused about all the new pieces emerging from my heart. Still however, I needed to feel not so comfy so that I could continue to expand my light.
Going through that not so safe street, and seeing more homeless than I had ever seen in my life, reminded me of my life's mission- reminded me of why I want to do the work that I choose. That really scary, uncomfortable, walk reconfirmed my dreams of doing my part to fix some of the fucked-upness that is our poverty situation here in the states, and do my part in empowering women.
I hadn't traveled alone before my trip, and now I can do it again. I learned how to navigate through that big city- I even figured out how to read an actual map that wasn't on a computer.
I got through a really rough time with someone really, really, close to my heart. And because we moved through that fire, our relationship is so much stronger.
I learned not that there's no need to rush.
That pain is beautiful.
I learned that I have a lot to learn about love, but my views on love have definitely expanded in a good way.
The last day of my trip was one of the best days of my life, and I really didn't do anything special. I had been through so much the 12 days leading up to that day, and I realized I had to just let it all be. Let the pieces fall where they choose. I relinquished control and because of that, I felt freer than I had ever felt in my life.
I crave more of that freedom.
My vacation wasn't what one pictures when they think of a vacation. Now I need a vacation from my vacation. But I was comfortable at home. I needed to be uprooted. I needed a good shaking, so that all this new light could be revealed. I came home very confused, and as I said earlier, I'm still putting the pieces together. But I came home a new woman. A brighter woman who experienced being on the west coast for the first time, who traveled alone, who met new people, tended to her hurting heart, and after struggling so long, finally let herself live.
I did a lot of writing and reflecting during my time on the west coast. I think that's why I was able to move through it. Because I saw the transformation that was happening, and I grew curious. Who is this woman that would be returning to Florida? I knew, somehow, that it wouldn't be the same woman that left.
It's a good thing to be comfortable, but when dust starts settling on your shoulders, it might be time to begin moving again.
Stepping out of our comfort zones may not actually be completely unpleasant! But some of it will be- I guarantee it. The trick is to not change your flight and run home. You gotta keep stepping. Keep moving. Flow with the current of change. It is only through flowing with the current that we reach a space that feels good or at least a space where we unravel more of ourselves.
Unravel, de-clutter, regroup, breathe, shine.
Cry, journal, eat some chocolate, have an espresso.
There will be smiles. There will be sunshine.
All the mess just kinda meshes together and it can be quite confusing and very exhausting.
But whatever you do, don't change your flight and go home early.