I love my husband. He is one of the most amazing people I’ve been blessed to know. He has helped me through my darkest hour. He is intelligent, insightful, and still has a childlike wonder that keeps life exciting. I am so glad that we are together.
But I love myself more.
I am with my husband because he makes me happy (naturally right?) if he does something that does not make me happy I get upset. The love I have for my husband is condition based. If he does not meet said conditions (conditions that he should be able to follow because he agreed to be with me until our days come to an end right?) That love is temporarily replaced with anger and all hell breaks loose. I curse and yell and demand an instant divorce!
Truth is that is how most of us love. Most of the love we share is conditioned based. The person must do X thing or behave X way, buy this, always say I love you back, call at this time, not look at this person, be there when I’m sick, never get angry at me, buy me flowers, go with me to get a mani/pedi, be happy when I call at 2 am about my problems… be perfect.
How can we expect anyone to be perfect? We really shouldn’t but we do. I know it’s hard to admit but you don’t have to tell me, you feel it in your chest.
I don’t want to love this way, but it is the way I was conditioned to love. This is something I am working on everyday as often as possible. I want to love my husband unconditionally. I want to accept that he is human and he will sometimes make mistakes. I want to love him even when he yells at me. I want to cook a big meal for him and not be upset if he doesn’t think it is all that great. I’m not saying I don’t ever want to get mad again; I mean that would be ideal, but that isn’t what I’m saying.
Most of us say we accept out lovers/friends/family’s imperfections, but take a good look at yourself the next time you get upset about those things and tell me if that’s really true. Remember they are human just like you- flawed and beautiful.
To love someone unconditionally is very very hard. That doesn’t mean it can’t be done. One must learn to detach, and love at the same time. Does that make sense? Probably not. What I mean by that is the next time someone yells at you, try not to take it to heart. Keep a smile on your face and see that person as a vibrant divine being. If it doesn’t work the first time, contemplate it after the situation has happened, and try again next time.
Now some peoples behaviors and actions should be addressed if it is harmful or abusive. But they do not have to be approached from a place of hostility. They can be met with kindness and love.
I talked last week about what it means to be a Bodhisattva. This ties into that. I want the love I share with my husband and myself to be unconditional. I wish that I could one day share that unconditional love with everyone.
Every day try a little to love people for real. Unconditionally. Like any other skill, we will get better with practice.
I love you. That love is real. It may not be at its purist form yet but dammit I’m trying. I hope you love someone enough (even if it isn’t me =D) to try too.
This post was inspired by day 6 of the Be gentle, Be love e-course. Won't you come join us?
Don't forget to share the love :]
Join the mailing list for your weekly dose of positivity
Hang out with me on Facebook | Twitter | Google +
this should be required reading for every person comtemplating marriage and every person contemplating divorce... again, I am pleasantly shocked at the depth of your maturity and abundance of your gifts, Dyamond. Ok to repost?
ReplyDeleteI personally don't believe that getting upset with someone shows that you don't love them. I love my husband. Always. Unconditionally. Sometimes I don't like what he does very much. Nothing in the rule book of love (the missing manual) says that unconditional love requires you to agree with everything another does all the time. it does however boil down to how you handle a person. I never degrade my husband or try to break him down. I don't like shouting at him (which happens form time to time), but I never use words that describe him as bad, only perhaps his actions. This is a skill that anyone can learn, although I learned it by hurting enough people with what I said in anger. Anger is just another emotion, but we are allowed to feel it, but feeling anger doesn't negate the love.
ReplyDeleteNow I do say I love unconditionally, but perhaps I should rather say I have loved him unconditionally thus far. One never knows how future events might change things.
I love my daughter . No there is a person that I can honestly tell you no matter what happens, I will never be without love in my heart for her.
In his book Peace is the Way, Deepak Chopra says that Peace does not mean that you never fight or argue, but it is all about HOW. I believe the same principle can be attributed to love.
:D Thank you so much Helen! I appreciate you so much! Being married is tough I didn't even realize it would be this tough but our connection is a gift and is teaching me so much. Divorce is also tough. I wonder how many people would stay together if they would just learn to accept the other person as they are? Thank you again :] And of course you may repost!
ReplyDeleteYou know, as I was reading this, it occurred to me that sometimes it might seem easier to give unconditional love to someone I vaguely know through the internet (like you) than to my husband or family. Sounds weird, I know, but if you (or anyone on the webs) say something I that makes me angry, I'm more likely to chalk it up to your perspectives & experiences differing from mine and I won't take it as personally. But, as you pointed out, we expect our spouses to know better than to say something wrong or to misunderstand us. And then I'm more likely to take it to heart and hurt him back. In the end, it is definitely about letting him be as imperfect as me and loving him for that humanity, instead of in spite of it. Thank you for a very thought provoking post. It's a great reminder to keep trying to love unconditionally- failing gloriously all the way, but continuously striving.
ReplyDeleteDyamond: again, you are correct and you know the answer: your connection with your husband is a gift. Acceptance and "one day at a time" is a path that offers the most promise of truly being know by another and truly knowing another. My parents just celebrated their 63 anniversary--when asked how they did it so long, my dad says "it is not long enough." :) This gift of theirs can be yours and your husband's too! :)
ReplyDeleteHi Raven! I don't find that weird at all. I am guilty of the same thing.
ReplyDeleteAs long as we keep trying as we fail gloriously at this love thing, I think we are on the right track ;) Don't give up!
So glad to hear from you!