I found myself the other day.
I put her in the corner, and sort of forgot she was there. I neglected her, but I found her the other day.
I think I was ashamed of who she was… who I am. I was ashamed because I felt alone. I felt like the people whom I was around were different than me, which is true, but I let that truth create a rule in my head that the path I chose to follow was silly. My silly, wooey ways didn’t fit into a mold that would allow me to be accepted into society. My silly wooey ways would be laughed at, and definitely not taken seriously. I don’t really know how true this is, but it was true enough for me that I hid myself.
I hid the woman who believed that all things were divine, and sacred. I covered up the woman who believed that there is beauty in all things. I hid the woman who believed in the healing power of the earth, the grounding nature of leaning against a tree (and yes, even hugging one).
That woman, me, would proudly wear her mala beads, and her three stone pyrite to protect her sensitive nature. She… I, believe in the power of gemstones, and would carry one (or more) with me depending on what I wanted to receive from the universe. I would chant to the universe. I would chant until it brought me to tears. I would chant until I was compelled to dance and spin freely. I would chant to Ganesh to remove the barriers from any obstacles in my way, and chant Om Namah Shivaya to remind myself that we are all God in various forms.
This woman would still get sad, but she would understand that this emotion, that particular moment, was just part of the ebb and flow of the universe. And that rough moment made her realize even more the interconnectedness of all things. This woman wouldn’t shy away from pain. She would feel it with all her being. She would go outside, and feel the wind against her skin, and know it was the universe’s nurturing touch.
She would’ve cleansed this new house with some damn sage a long time ago. It really needs it.
She wouldn’t sit in a corner.
It’s important to have friends around you that believe in different things. I’m not saying that I want carbon copies of myself. But I did get lost, and I realize now that’s normal, too. I hid myself but I also knew it was time to grow and stretch a little more. I became confident in different areas of my life. I got more comfortable with being a feminist, I became more comfortable with being a black woman (which is a super huge thing in this society), and I’m still getting comfortable with advocating for women, and people of color, which is what I really want to do because these types of discrimination are really close to my heart. Calling out the bullshit – in people, and in society, is something I need to do with my whole self. I need the hippy goddess in me to tell me the universe has my back. I need her confidence. I need her strength. I need her grace.
I am learning that I can continue to add to my identity. I don’t need to shed any layers unless I truly believe those layers do not serve me any longer. There’s a difference between knowing it’s time to let go, and letting go because we feel we will be rejected for being ourselves. I’ve had a couple of people tell me that if people do not like who I am, then I need to find new friends. A simple concept.
Friends don’t have to be like-minded, but they should be accepting. They should be loving and caring. Compassion is healing, nourishing, and super beautiful when folks show it. No hippyness is required to show compassion.
I miss this space. I miss writing. I need to do this. My spirit feels deprived. It feels dull and undernourished. I am in great need for some self-care. I need to put myself first for a while (as much as I can with a needy, loving, toddler). My hope is that the fear of writing will begin soften by the strong desire to nourish my spirit. This is my attempt at doing that.
I’m currently reading Patti Digh’s creative is a verb, which is off to an amazing start. She says that living is creative- that we can find art in anything. And I’m reminded that there is beauty in all things, anything can be nourishing, spiritual, and sacred.
There’s always a little light in the darkness, but it has to start within. We have to see ourselves as worthy, sacred, spiritual, and filled with light. I’m working on it, are you? Let’s work on it together.