I feel like I have to live up to something. Something great. Someone to be proud of. And when I think about those things, who that person would look like, I picture other people. I have to be like that person – they are doing extraordinary things. They have an image that I want. No one would look at me and see extraordinary.
This isn’t a post where I wine about how not-awesome I am, because I am the awesomest. But I have to acknowledge the times when I’m not feeling so extraordinary, and even the times when I’m not feeling ordinary, because in those uncomfortable feelings where I’m searching outside of myself for whatever it is my heart craves, there is a message. And it’s my job to listen. It’s my job to explore those feelings.
Well what do I like about that person?
What makes them extraordinary to me?
What are the feelings I’m trying to receive from trying to live in this person’s light and not my own?
I admire their creativity. Their beautiful photos. Their social media presence. I admire the way they treat their business. The way they explore nature or the things they do in the kitchen. I’m kind of jealous that they find the time to maintain their blog and business. Which probably means I want to be more creative. I want to go out and be adventurous. I want to cook something beautiful in the kitchen. I need to explore ways to spend time on things that are important to me.
This doesn’t always happen. Most of the time I end up in a ball on my bed eating ice cream or watching Grey’s Anatomy. And that’s important too. I can let myself fall sometimes. I can’t imagine how hard it would be for my spirit, if I never let myself crumble- if I always tried to find the positive right away, if I never let myself not smile, if I never let myself cry. I know from experience that when I crumble from all of that pressure, the damage affects my entire family.
Here’s to more creativity.
More asking for what I need.
More being selfish.
More moments of intimidation.
More moments of envy.
More moments of Joy.
More moments of fear.
More moments of darkness.
More moments of finding the light in that darkness.
More moments of Love.
More moments of life.