The only thing that I've been able to think about saying, is how I'm scared to come back to this space. I know, I've said that before. And that's why I've been stuck. I've been stuck with these words, and I haven't moved forward with trying to express myself despite the fear.
Fear isn't the only thing that is keeping me back. I didn't know what I wanted my message to be, and if I even needed one. I've changed since I've started this blog. I'm almost done with college. I'm doing my internship at an amazing organization that helps LGBT youth. It's such an empowering experience because they allow me to speak my truth, and really value their members. I've been challenged to be authentic there- to not hide there, and I'm learning so much. My daughter will be two in three months. Fucking TWO. She's still the light of my life. She teaches me patience, and kindness. She teaches me to be slow, and observe. And of course she pisses me off to the point where we are both having tantrums. So I'm different.
When my daughter was born I was forced to deal with my demons. There were so many that I kept locked up and I didn't even realize how much it would affect my life. I became depressed. I was angry all the time, I got help. I had individual therapy for the anger, and group therapy for my trauma. I didn't know how transformational group therapy would be for me. The release I had there cannot be described, only felt. I wish I had time to continue with the group, because those women helped me so much. I like to think that we helped each other. There are still more demons, but I manage a little better now. I'm still guarded but I'm learning to soften over time. I know I don't need to rush things.
I've always just wanted to tell my story. I just wanted people to know they weren't alone. I wanted to know that I wasn't alone. And sharing in this space was safe for me, until it wasn't. I talked about some of the reasons in a previous post, but I still couldn't move forward. The more I tried to branch out, the more I tried to hide who I was and what I do. And not just writing here, but writing in general. I stopped sharing my photography, I don't sing in public, I hide my paintings, I do yoga alone, I hide what books I'm reading, I don't share my musical tastes. The only thing I would share is a sort of sassy sarcastic attitude that would make people laugh. Making people laugh is safe. Showing other aspects of my personality? Not so much. I can't pinpoint exactly when I started closing in, or why, but it happened. I want to fix that.
I can't say that from this point forward I'll write, and I'll share, and I'll be authentic, and I'll make friends being my true self and all that. I know the importance of authenticity, but I also know how hard it is to do that when you're healing at the same time. All I want to do is share my story. And sharing the fact that I'm struggling to be me, to open up, and how terrifying that is, is part of that story. I can promise that I'll try but I can't always promise that those efforts will be seen. I have a folder filled with words. Notebooks, too. I have photos and paintings, doodles, and I'm even challenging myself to get stronger at doing my handstands. Things are happening. Internal stuff is happening, but there's so much else that is not. I do celebrate my victories, but my heart still yearns to express.
Maybe this will start it all. Maybe you won't hear from me again for another year. I don't know. I just hope that when I come back, when I do decide to share myself, I hope that I will know that I'm not alone.